Ask William
by cyberwulf
Summary: Got a problem? Let Sunnydale's favourite undead agony uncle help!
1. He's a sweetheart really

Ask William  
  
"He's a sweetheart really"  
  
Got a problem ? Let Sunnydale's favourite undead agony uncle help !  
  
Dear William ,  
  
On the surface I look like a regular , happy guy . I have a job , a place of my own , and a live-in girlfriend . My problem is that all my girlfriend wants these days is sex . Wild , monkey sex , the kinkier the better , all night , every night . I'm starting to worry that she doesn't love me , and only wants me for my body . What should I do ?  
  
Sleepless in Sunnydale .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Xander ,  
  
This is a problem HOW ?  
  
Dear William ,  
  
My problem is that almost nobody likes me . I can't understand why . I'm your average clean-cut all-American boy , I'm pretty good-looking and I've helped out lots of times in the fight against evil . Okay , granted , I used to work for an evil government organisation , but I didn't know that . Plus I slept with Faith - but she looked like Buffy . Uh , and I sorta let some vampires suck my blood . But that's still no reason why most of the fans should hate me . What should I do ?  
  
Bewildered , Brazil .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Riley ,  
  
Can you add two and two ? Bridge . Car .  
  
Dear William ,  
  
You suck ! How dare you put the moves on Buffy ?! That peroxide must've seeped into your brain if you think she'd ever look twice at you . Stop acting all goody good in the hope of winning her affection ! B/A forever ! YOU WILL NEVER BE ANGEL!!!  
  
Spike Stinks , Los Angeles .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Angel ,  
  
Sod off .  
  
Dear William ,  
  
I was a really important part of a supernatural detective team . I was half-demon and had the power to foresee the future . Then I died heroically and passed my powers on to another member of the team . Now no one ever mentions me any more ! I mean , if it wasn't for me Cordelia wouldn't have ANY powers ! It isn't fair ! I was twice as popular as Angel ! What can I do to make them remember me ?  
  
Pissed Off Now , So I Am , the Afterlife .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear whoever you are ,  
  
You were written out , mate . Get over it .  
  
Dear William ,  
  
The radio in my head tells me what to do . It sings of upside down bunnies all covered in guts . The flowers say the moon is made of blood and cream cheese , and trilobites will rule the earth . I must go , the hammers are walking down the streets with the jam and spoons .  
  
Dark Princess , Second Star in the Cardboard Box , Last Thursday  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Drusilla ,  
  
Stop writing to me at work , pet .  
  
Dear William ,  
  
I've been living in this town for over five years . During that time I've only had one girlfriend . That was three years ago and it ended when she got killed . Since then I've had a one night stand and an old flame who was in exactly two episodes . I HAVEN'T HAD IT IN OVER A YEAR !!! It's not fair ! Everyone else has had more than one love interest , why not me ? The frustration is driving me crazy , surrounded as I am by young , nubile women who insist on wearing skimpy clothes . I NEED TO GET LAID !!!  
  
Restless and Randy , Sunnydale (but not for much longer . . .)  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Rupert ,  
  
Aw , is diddums all grumpy and horny and not getting any ? Why don't you ask your two Wicca friends to help you out ? Red might go for a threesome - it's always the quiet ones , I bet she's a right dirty bitch . Or break your buddy Ethan out of jail , we ALL know what you two got up to . Failing that , find yourself an insane masochist who'll do anything for the right price . I know just the bird .  
  
Dear William ,  
  
I've been doing a great TV show for five years . At the end of last season , I hit upon a terrific finale - kill off the heroine ! It worked , the ratings were sky-high and remained so for this season's premier . However , a lot of the fans don't like the new direction the show is taking , and I'm getting worried that they'll start tuning out . The problem is I don't know what to do to stop them . Please tell me what to do to fix the show .  
  
Oh Dear God What Have I Done , Outside the Fourth Wall .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Joss ,  
  
If you want to fix the show , take my advice .  
  
1. Remove the chip from my brain .  
2. Never ever bring Giles back . Ever .  
3. Let me turn Willow .  
4. Do NOT - I repeat , DO NOT - give me my soul back .  
5. Do a crossover where I travel to LA and stake Angel .  
6. Give me at least one sex scene in every episode . Actually , make that three .  
7. Kill off Buffy , and this time make sure she stays dead .  
8. Change the name of the show to `Spike the Slayer Slayer'.  
  
"Ask William" ghost-written by Cyberwulf . The opinions in this column reflect those of William (Spike) and not the author , who was forced to write this under threat of Westlife , and who would be in heaven if the show was called `Rupert Giles : Electric Gigalo', and consisted of nothing but sex scenes featuring ASH in all his naked glory . Characters belong to Joss Whedon , at least until the copyright expires . The preceding fic was rated 15s (R). 


	2. Back by popular demand

Ask William  
  
"Back by popular demand"  
  
Got a problem ? Let Sunnydale's favourite undead agony uncle help !  
  
Dear William ,  
  
In life I was the computer teacher at Sunnydale High , and was madly in love with the stuffy , sexy librarian who worked there . Unfortunately , between one thing and another the romance hit a really bad patch , and just when we were on the verge of reconciliation I had my neck broken by a psychotic vampire . My love and I never had the chance to consummate our relationship , and ever since I've always wondered if he knew how much I loved him . Is there any way I can tell him ?  
  
Gypsy Rose , The Afterlife .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Rupert's dead bird whose name I don't know ,  
  
That's easy , pet . Just get a day pass from the Man Upstairs , wend your merry way down to Hell , take the third right and go along to the room at the end of the corridor . That's where you apply to be a succubus . Tell the guy there Spike sent you . Just fill in the forms and then not only can you shag Rupert to your heart's content , you can shag him to death ! Then the pair of you can be together for eternity , roaming the world as a demonic couple , feeding off the life force of young , nubile men and women , you lucky bastards , you .  
  
***********  
  
Dear William ,  
  
I never seem to have any luck with men . My first real love , a gorgeous brooding souled vampire , turned evil the first time we had sex . It turned out he was cursed , so if we ever went further than first base , he'd lose his soul . I ended up having to kill him . Naturally this was a blow we never recovered from , and in the end he left me to live in Los Angeles and atone for two centuries of evil deeds . The next man I was with was a mistake , a degrading one-night stand . After him I started dating a man I thought was a regular Joe , a clean-cut all-American boy . Big mistake – he was involved with a bunch of government-employed demon hunters . But still , I thought we had a chance until he started letting vampires suck his blood because (get this !) I didn't pay him enough attention . I mean , hello ? My mother was seriously ill ! I was a little preoccupied . So he left , too . It isn't fair . All men leave me , even my dad , and now my Watcher . Will I ever be lucky in love ?  
  
Broken-hearted , Sunnydale .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Buffy ,  
  
There , there , pet . You sound really down and miserable , so I'm sending you some photos of me (well , part of me) to cheer you up . If you're not happier after that , drop by my crypt , I'll put a smile on your face .  
  
***********  
  
Dear William ,  
  
When I died and found myself in Heaven , I thought all my problems were over . OH no ! I'm stuck sharing a cloud with an annoying freak who is always either singing U2 songs or moaning on about how he used to help Angel and now no one remembers him . How can I get this guy away from me ?!  
  
At the End of her Tether , The Afterlife .  
  
PS. Your soul is up here . Stop dying your hair , you used to have beautiful curls .  
  
PPS. Treat my daughter properly ! Don't make me come down there !  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Joyce ,  
  
Try introducing your cloud-mate to my soul . I used to be a right whingy bastard , and with any luck my soul will have your unwelcome friend flapping his wings in the other direction .  
  
PS. The curls are SO 19th century. No one 'ud take me seriously if I had 'em these days .  
  
PPS. Yes ma'am .  
  
***********  
  
Dear William ,  
  
Green-skinned singing demon , owns own karaoke bar in the heart of Los Angeles' demon district , seeks female music-loving demon for fun and frolics . I'll be Sonny , you be Cher . Reply box 5673 .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear demon looking for love ,  
  
I think you've got the wrong column , mate . But I'll pass your number onto Restless and Randy . He sings and plays the guitar , he was a Fyarl demon once , and at this stage I'd say he's up for anything . Okay , he's a bloke and not a bird , but if you close your eyes and pretend really hard . . .  
  
***********  
  
Dear William ,  
  
Just wanna say , thanks so much for taking B's mind off Angel . That leaves him free for me . Maybe some day down the line we can have a foursome , huh ?  
  
Bad Girl , Prisoner 31484 , Los Angeles .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear other Slayer whose name I don't remember ,  
  
Why thank you , pet .  
  
***********  
  
Dear William ,  
  
I'm so fed up of being this shallow , silly woman who only cares about money and sex , and never has any tact . I don't care what anyone says , I KNOW you don't go around spouting about your sex life in front of complete strangers , and all the money in the world would mean nothing to me if I didn't have friends and a fiancée who loves me . What can I do to change my image ?  
  
Ex-Demon of Hidden Depths , Sunnydale  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Anya ,  
  
Don't look at me , blame Joss .  
  
***********  
  
Dear William ,  
  
I'm addicted to doing magic . Which is really weird , because I've been doing it for the past two seasons and it's never been a problem . Then , right after I raised Buffy from the dead , (which she doesn't seem at all grateful for), everyone started going on about how I was taking magic too far . Even Giles got mad , and he never gets mad . My girlfriend left me , and Dawn got hurt because of me . Why did this happen and how can I get my life back on track ?  
  
Woeful Wicca , Sunnydale .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Willow ,  
  
Well , what did you expect Buffy to do , dance a jig and praise the Lord ? You tore her out of heaven , dear . Now she has to live in this shit hole of a world again . As for Giles getting mad , just ignore the grumpy old fart . Everyone else does . Why did this happen ? Because your magic addiction is being used as a sub for drug addiction . The only way to get your life back on track is to quit magic . Though what the hell the writers will do with you then only Joss knows . On a lighter note , if you're feeling lonely without Tara , stop by my crypt , and I'll see what I can do .  
  
***********  
  
Dear William ,  
  
I've just been released from prison and have been deemed "rehabilitated" by those fools sent to assess me . I just told them exactly what they wanted to hear . I've been a very good boy . Anyway , now that I'm out , I thought I'd drop in on my old pal Ripper Giles , only I hear he's no longer in the country . You wouldn't happen to have his new address , would you ?  
  
Wicked Warlock , Nevada .  
  
William says:  
  
Dear Ethan ,  
  
No problem . Watch out , though , he'll probably jump you the minute you walk in the door . Hold on , you'd probably like that .  
  
***********  
  
"Ask William" ghost-written by Cyberwulf . The opinions in this column reflect those of William (Spike) who decided to dictate his replies to these letters at one in the morning , when the author would much rather be having that dream about Tony Head as a lifeguard . Characters belong to Joss Whedon , at least until the copyright expires . The preceding fic was rated 15s (R). 


End file.
